Fizzled Blizzard
Heads For Court
The weathermen's decision to sue the Almighty on grounds of breach of promise and defamation of character follows a New Jersey township mayor's move to hold them accountable for the fizzled blizzard.
According to a March 8 Associated Press report, Byram Township, N.J. Mayor Richard Bowe is calling for a federal or state investigation in an attempt to determine if the forecasts of heavy snow and blizzard conditions were mistakes or a deliberate attempt to generate ratings.
''This is no laughing matter,'' Bowe told The New Jersey Herald of Newton, the AP reported. He said Byram incurred ''excessive overtime costs'' related to the expected storm, while business across the state shut down due to the dire predictions.
''People who give the wrong information should be held accountable for losses sustained by those who follow that information,'' Bowe said.
The weathercasters -- Stormy Wither, Cloud Raynes, Ole Manwinter and Sonny Skye -- said through their attorney that they actually agreed wholeheartedly with Bowe.
''We, too, feel that Anyone who gives us bad information which results in busted forecasts should be brought to account,'' said Cochran, the attorney best known for his victory in the O.J. Simpson murder trial.
''It's an outrage when He For Whom Nothing Is Impossible spins up a 100-year blizzard and then doesn't deliver the goods,'' Cochran said. ''Once these fine prognosticators had made their public forecasts, it is my contention that an implied contract existed between them and the Creator, obligating Him to produce the storm as promised.
''My clients' reputations -- yea, even their very livelihoods -- are inextricably entwined with the actions of the Defendant. When He expresses, through low-pressure systems, jet streams, water-vapor levels and temperature gradients, a clear and unambiguous intention to sock New Jersey with one hellacious snowstorm, these men have no choice but to predict said hellacious snowstorm,'' Cochran continued.
''And, based upon the plaintiffs' forecasts -- honest, well-intentioned, good-faith forecasts predicated on the stated intent of the Deity -- the people of New Jersey spent their valuable time and their hard-earned money on rock salt, snow shovels, batteries, beer, Cheez-Its, movie rentals, and other emergency supplies. Schools closed. Government offices shut down.
''The people were promised, expected, and deserved, to be buried neck-deep in snow,'' Cochran said. ''And It was irresponsible and reckless for the Glory of Glories to change His mind and send the Storm of the Century out into the boondocks once my clients had publicly forecast it.
''We feel that the public ridicule and damage to their professional reputation brought about by the Defendant's capricious last-minute change of mind is actionable.
''If Thou promise a blow, it better snow,'' Cochran said.
A spokesarchangel at the Foot Of The Throne Of The Most High had no comment on the lawsuit, as formal service of process had not yet been made, and added that even then, a response from the Lord might be delayed.
''He's in the middle of an especially busy earthquake season right now, and He's backlogged on hurricanes from last season,'' the archangel, who refused to identify itself, said. ''Depending on when the case is docketed, We may have to seek a continuance.''
''That's fine,'' Cochran said. ''We can wait. We've got plenty of time.''
''Well, We've got all the time in the world,'' said the spokesarchangel. ''And then some.''
