Me, Claudia Schiffer,
And Saving The World
Oh, I know it's only a remote possibility. But I do keep a shoebox-full of decrees that would become the law of the land the moment I ascended the throne.
After all, you just never knows when you might be sorting your Jockey shorts in the laundromat, and a comet collision kills all life on Earth but you and Claudia Schiffer. And you are faced with the awesome responsibility of re-establishing the Rule of Law, and of re-populating ... ahem.
Right. Re-establishing the Rule of Law. Okay.
My first and foremost Royal Edict would be: That emergency flashers on all civilian vehicles shall be restricted to actual "emergency" use.
Let's take a look at this word, "emergency," shall we?
Emergency" means "trouble-with-a-capital-T," as in "my engine just blew up," or "there's a yellowjacket buzzing around in here and ONE of us is bailing out. NOW."
Which is to say that in car talk, "blinka-blinka-blinka" means "help! help! help!" It does not mean "picking up my date, picking up my date, picking up my date." It does not mean "delivering beer, delivering beer, delivering beer." It does not mean "Bus driver on coffee break, bus driver on coffee break, bus driver on coffee break."
I'd really like to know what some drivers think those little flashers are for. Do they believe that by turning them on, they invoke some kind of immunity from the traffic laws? Like, "Yes, I know I'm sitting on the trolley track and making everyone drive around me into the oncoming traffic just so I can hop out to buy a pack of cigs -- but hey, it's cool, I've got my emergency flashers on!"
Royal Edict No. 2: People who ride in early carpools shall be required to be standing outside, lunchbox in hand, shaved, showered and ready to go, just as soon as their ride slows down enough for them to jump in.
I mean, I'm thrilled that my upstairs neighbor has reliable transportation to work, but having that transportation arrive on the dot of 5 o'clock every morning and LEEEEAAAAN on his HOOOOOORRRRRNNN right under my window is starting to get just a little old.
Royal Edict No. 3: Radio stations shall, at peril of their licenses, air traffic reports to their conclusion and not cut them off in mid-fender-bender just to squeeze in another commercial.
Look. I drive the Gulf Freeway into and out of Houston three days a week, and what I don't need to hear is " ... and you inbounders on the Gulf Freeway, an overturned tanker truck is spewing flaming gasoline across all six lanes atBURGERBOX 24-HOUR DRIVE-THRU, WHERE WE REALLY MOVE OUR BUNS FOR YOU!"
And in a codicil to Royal Edict No. 3: TV stations shall be a little more selective on their "breaking news" cut-ins.
As in, don't interrupt "Law and Order" just as the jury foreman clears his throat and says, "Your Honor, we find the defendant..." with Breaking! News! Live! SuperZoomHeliCam! coverage of a grass fire in a Pearland cow pasture -- that was already put out before Breaking! News! Etc.! Etc.! was able to Go Live!
And Royal Edict No. 4: Once Claudia and I had ... um ... made government necessary again, I would make it a High Crime and Misdemeanor for ANYONE to utter the words "bipartisan" or "bipartisanship."
No, Virginia, there is no such creature. "Bipartisan" it is an oxymoron; the "bi" is canceled out by the "partisan." Good Lord, don't we realize by now that Democrats are Democrats and Republicans are Republicans, and ne'er the twain shall meet? (Probably all for the better -- this country's got problems enough when the two parties are at odds. Dare we even imagine what sort of mischief they might make if they actually got together?)
Oh, there's lots of other things I'd do if I ruled the world, believe me. I'd bring back 8-ounce Coke bottles and the machines that dispense them at a dime each, outlaw beverages combining coffee and any foreign words or phrases, do away with those new blinding blue car headlights, and compel restaurants in the Southwest to serve kale -- steamed with a little bacon and butter -- as an actual menu choice, and not just tease us with it as a salad-bar decoration.
But for now, your Ruler of the World has to sort his shorts.
