Once Upon a Time
In a World Gone MAD
Gather 'round, children -- yes, bring your milk and cookies -- because Uncle Maxie has a story to tell you. A story about ABMs and MAD and Cold War and Dr. Strangelove.
A long, long time ago, 'way back in the last century, there was a Cold War going on between the United States (Yaaaaaayy!) and the evil Soviet Union (Booooooo!)
It was called a Cold War because both countries had enough nuclear missiles to destroy each other hundreds of times over if the war of words turned into a shooting war -- as well as any little countries like France and England and Germany (WEST Germany -- but that's another story) who might get caught in the crossfire.
Anyway, in the 1970s some rocket scientist (and it had to be a rocket scientist, because while rocket scientists are very well-informed on Newtonian physics and thrust-to-payload ratios, they don't have a lick of common sense) came up with MAD, which stood for "Mutually Assured Destruction." And a MAD plan it was indeed.
Now, stay with me here for a minute, because MAD is rather hard to explain and even harder to excuse:
You see, this brilliant rocket scientist decided that the best way to keep the Soviet Union (Boooooo!) from firing its nuclear arsenal at the United States (Yaaaaay!) was to have both sides agree not to try and defend themselves from any attack at all (Huh??)
What the rocket scientist was thinking was that if neither side could shoot down the other's missiles, then neither side would launch an attack, because the other side would be forced to launch its own all-out attack, so both sides would be atomized equally, and everyone in the whole wide world would be dead except for cockroaches.
(Ask your daddy to rent the movie, "Dr. Strangelove." MAD still won't make any sense at all -- but it's a funny movie and you'll laugh a lot.)
Okay, where were we? Since each side knew that an attack on its part would assure its own nuclear destruction, because it had no Anti-Ballistic Missiles (ABMs) to stop the counter-attack, no one would fire any missiles and the United States (Yaaaaaayy!) and the Soviet Union (Booooooo!) would live in peace, love and harmony with thousands of thermonuclear missiles pointed at each other's heads.
So both sides signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty in 1972, and promised to never, ever build ABM systems.
But in 1990, a funny thing happened.
The Soviet Union fell apart and America won the Cold War! (Yaaaayy!)
Well, no, not quite yaaaaayy. Because all that Soviet nuclear firepower was still sitting in its silos, which were now situated in the ragtag group of unstable little countries that had previously been safely and securely oppressed by the Soviet Union's iron fist.
Russia was broke and couldn't say for sure just what was going to happen to all those nukes. Would some rogue generals sell them to terrorists? Would the former Soviet nuclear scientists sell their technology to the highest bidder?
We may have escaped the threat of an all-out, coordinated attack, but who could say when one or two missiles might not come over the horizon from, say, Afghanistan? Or Iraq? Or North Korea? Or Canada? (I never did trust THEM.)
What to do, what to do ... ? Yes, you, the little girl in the second row?
Hm. Go ahead and build missiles to shoot them down. VERY good answer. So why don't we? Yes, the little boy in the Pokemon T-shirt?
What? Because of the ABM treaty we signed with the Soviet Union in 1972? Good boy. That's quite ... yes, the little girl in the "Hello, Kitty" jumper?
Huh? How can we be held to a treaty we signed 30 years ago with an entity that ceased to exist 10 years ago?
That's a VERY good question, dear. Children, tell me, just how DO we keep an agreement with someone who isn't there anymore?
Who knows the answer?
C'mon, don't be bashful.
Hands?
Anyone ... ?
